A couple of weeks ago I posted an entry about whether I could move to The Netherlands to live there with Alexander. At the time I wrote that from The Netherlands and said although I liked it and maybe I could in the future, but not yet, I wasn’t ready for that yet.
But now I’m back home and missing Alex I’ve changed my mind. I guess I needed to come home first to discover this, but I’ve realised now I’d do absolutely anything to be with Alex…….even right now, I would like to book a flight straight back to The Netherlands to be with him. Adelaide just doesn’t feel worth it without him and feel pretty empty and lost.
At the moment I’m still a bit jetlagged and I guess unmotivated aswell, and I’m spending too much of my time clicking “Send and Receive” to see if I’ve received an email from Alex. It probably sounds crazy, but that’s just the way it is and it’s how I feel.
That puts me in an odd situation, cuz it’ll be at least a couple of months before Alex could get here and I despair at the thought of waiting that long. I’d love to just turn around and go back, but in reality it’s not that possible. There’s a house to sell, horses to organise, dogs, a cat, obstetrician appointments (these have already been booked for the year) plus my hospital admission for when I give birth. Then there’s the financial side of it and leaving all my friends. Sometimes I ask myself whether it’s just me myself putting these barriers in the way cuz I’m scared. I feel desperate enough to give all this up for him, and more……..but on the other hand it just doesn’t seem possible. Even though I’d hate having a baby in a foreign country part of me just doesn’t care!
Alex migrating to Australia on the other hand does seem possible, although there’s still the wait. We’re both doing our research at the moment and we’ve promised each other the tentative goal of April……..whether this is possible yet or not remains to be seen, but it’s a starting place. It’s going to be tough for a little while, but not as tough as being without him for 2-3 months. 🙁